PLEASE HELP I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO?

I’m nineteen years old and I only never feel happy… yeah I grin but the a distortion the a mask. I have most things i longed for but zero seems to have me happy. I’m not marred I dont have a Lexus only things which I longed for I have. It isn’t not prolonged ago which I’ve satisfied this, I’ve left to most psychiatrists and they never appear to get what I am articulate about they only give me a little unsteadiness diagnoses. Recently I was denied by a lady it is unequivocally no big understanding but it done me comprehend how most people can siphon she led me on for five months we were close she was similar to me and we were clever off each alternative but right away she denied me and is going out with a little lady after revelation me a little bs. I contend the no big understanding nonetheless I cant get her out of my head she continues to verbalise to me and I try to omit her but well I answer anyway. It’s not which yet which is creation me dissapoint the same incident has happened to me five times prior to and similar to I pronounced i satisfied this a prolonged time ago which I’m only not happy so it wasn’t this new eventuality it was only what had done me go in to review about my life. I have others happy but I’ve never felt the lapse not similar to i should be rewarded but i go out of my approach to have people happy and nobody earnings which by perplexing to have me happy ask whats wrong or even speak to me when i demeanour similar to somethings wrong, nonetheless with the facade on no one can unequivocally tell. I’ve had five of my friends die prior to I was eighteen 4 of them died on the same day. My relatives have been good people but a year ago they tortured me with their unsteadiness of removing a divorce which never happened and right away they have been happier afterwards ever. My initial division in college finished in me transferring and right away I have all night classes and am in a slight again and no friends from my old propagandize have been here or any friends have been here at all. I do not know what i wish to do with my hold up but I feel invalid anyways. I go day in day out with the same slight nap propagandize lonesomeness nap propagandize etc… I only do not know what to do with myself I cant means a hobby since I’m perplexing to get myself in to creation youtube videos and I only cant figure out the modifying so I am at a mount still with which and I am as well pennyless to do something else and my relatives wouldnt give me any income so whatever. I only feel similar to their is zero to do with my hold up and i do not feel similar to I should go on not observant I would kill myself which would harm as well most people and the dumb, as most as I do not hold it something will occur shortly but I’m unequivocally quadriplegic nineteen years and I unequivocally haven’t been indeed happy. I’m not certain what to do with myself does any one else feel this approach does any one know any solutions to what I should do.